I don't know. Maybe it's 'cuz I am bit emotional
Maybe it's 'cuz I went to Asianfanfics
Or maybe it's 'cuz one of their songs were playing few seconds ago.
Or perhaps it's because one of my friends mentioned them just now.
I don't even know.
What I do know is: I miss them. A lot.
I miss them enough to use full stops instead of '...'.
That's how much I miss them.
I love fanfics. That is a known fact.
But lately I can barely even stand to go into the fandoms of any of them.
I mean, I am the girl who scavenge-hunt thru fanfiction.net when Itachi died, when Hidan died, when Ace died, hell even when Kakuzu died just so I can read fanfics of them alive.
I guess it's just that I want them back together so much.
When I read fanfics of them being 5, I feel so sad and empty that they aren't actually 5 anymore.
When I read fanfics of them being separated as they are now, I feel sad and disappointed that even fanfictions are starting to accept their separation.
When I read fanfics of them miraculously finding a way to kick SM's ass and get back together, I want to cry because I want that to happen for real so much.
I guess I can never be satisfied unless they really get back together.
You know what the sad part is?
I only got into Kpop a few months after they started the lawsuit.
And by the time I became a fan, it was already to late to see them together because a few months later they officially split.
Maybe it's regret that I didn't ever got the chance to feel the anticipation of waiting for their new album/single/EP/mini-album come out.
I feel even sadder when I see: JYJ's JaeJoong or JYJ's Yoochun or JYJ's Junsu because to me they are still part of DBSK.
Every single time I see TVXQ I still expect to see 5 faces but instead I only see 2.
I guess nothing lasts forever.
But being the flawed human that I am, it's a not a fact that I am willing to accept.
I realise that it is probably hard on them too. I mean they are brothers who have been through thick and thin together for 9 years. They who had no friends but each other when they wandered into the foreign land of Japan and manage to make a legend out of themselves.
They must be the one taking this the hardest or maybe the shell is dry. Hell I don't know how they feel or the details of what really happened.
I try not to assume. But it's hard. I can't help but speculate. In my mind: they must miss each other so much since they have been brothers for 9 years. But for all I know their friendship might have fell apart. For all I know they could have sat down and discussed this. For all I know they could still be in communication.
Who knows besides them.
Of course, I won't deny that I have painted SM to be a villain in my mind. And I admit, for all I know they could really be angels. But the fact is looking at Hangeng's case and their lawsuit and the rumours it is hard to not paint SM as a villain. And the fact is the court have ruled in favour of both Hangeng and JaeJoong&Yoochun&Junsu against SM.
This makes it really easy for people to doubt the sincerity of SM and thus SM is a villain in the eyes of many fans.
Of course I know that there are fans who blame JaeJoong and Yoochun and Junsu for the split. And yes, I agree that if they never filed the lawsuit they will still be together.
But one have to question what happened behind the scenes?
And one have to question why Yunho and Changmin didn't join them?
These are question that we can never find the truth to. Even if all involve share their version of the story. Their truths will be different and thus each fan's truth will also be different. There will not be one truth but many. Which one you believe will depend entirely on your values and you as a person.
I don't ever think the whole story will be exposed. And even if part of the story is told there still might be untold parts. There are somethings that people don't share.
So if or when the story is told, I will listen but I will keep my mind open because there are always untold parts to every story.
That doesn't stop me from forming an opinion though. It's only human nature.
I can't promise not to judge but I can promise to listen and be flexible.
I think I went off track again.
You know what else makes me sad?
The fact that I don't have all of their songs.
It makes me feel like I don't have the right to say I am fan.
But I will get all their songs. I am determined.
Even though I said that, I still feel the sad bitter after-taste when I listen to their songs. And that makes me afraid to get their songs for the sake of self-preservation. I am a coward and I know that.
But I guess that makes me even more determined. I might be coward but I am stubborn as hell.
It doesn't change the fact that they are split though.
Always Keep the Faith.
I will imprint those words across my heart.
But it doesn't stop me from feeling like they will never be together again. That makes a bit of a bad fan aye?
It just that my logical side keep reminding me that the chances of them being together is slim. The lawsuit is not quite over yet. Both SM and JaeJoong&Yoochun&Junsu are too stubborn to submit to the other. Unless they are willing to both win some and lose some then the chances are they are not going to be together anytime soon if ever.
But, with that said, my romantic side keeps repeating: "Believe." Believe that they will work some out and they will be together again.
Of course, my hopeless side keeps wishing that somehow a huge new company comes and somehow everyone is free from SM and they can be together again - like the fanfics.
I just miss them so much.
I miss them enough that I have not used any smilies throughout the whole post. For anyone who knows the way I type, they must know that this is a heck of an achievement.
It just shows how much I miss them as 5.
I will continue to support them as the 3 and 2 that they are now.
But in my heart and mind, they will forever be 5.
